Overwhelmed

When I craved having a baby I think it was my biological clock behaving all emotional. My only thoughts for a time centred on how everyone aroound me seemed to get pregnant with ease and then wander around with their designer prams with cute-as-button babies. I wanted one; or rather both. Pram and baby. Wanted, badly. I wanted, for a time, more than anything to be a mother.

But all that time I never gave much thought to what kind of mother I would be. I thought I would be like all the other mothers and learn on the job. Be supported by friends and family, read the books and change our lives to fit in this child. All through my wonderful, craving-free pregnancy we imagined what life would be like once duckling entered the picture. We said ridiculous things to each other about how cute our duckling would be, what our first few holidays with baby would be and even lofty stuff like what values etc we wanted duckling to grow up with. But these were all abstract thoughts, connected to reality only with invisible thread.

The first 3 months with duckling were quite cosseted. We had visiting family and a constant stream of friends, laden with gifts and good advice. And although physical exhaustion kept  mental exercise at bay I found excuse after excuse to not do much with baby outside the 4 walls of home. I still remember planning to take duckling out on my own for the very first time. It needed a prodding phonecall from a friend and a motivational speech later I reached the end of my street. I remember coming home and calling her to say that we walked to the end of the lane and back and instead of laughing in my face (as she should have) she gently praised me and made it sound like I had achieved an arduous mountain climb.

Things have improved now that we have crossed the half year mark. I am less afraid of breaking the baby as it were. But at dinner with a friend a few weeks ago I had to admit that for a normally fairly brave person I look like and pretty much am a coward when it comes to my child. With the continuous santising and planning every miniscule detail of every expedition (what even a drive to the shops feels like) I forgot to exhale. I held my breath in for a whole half year and am only now re-learning my way around my lungs and my world with a baby in tow.

For the first 6 months I was overwhelmed in a way that more or less paralysed me and in hindsight it is not something I am proud of. It’s very unlike my character and now that I recognise it I am making every effort to be a bit braver and enjoy my time with duckling in the wider world. I have learnt many a lesson in motherhood (not least that plastic crap is  a waste of money when all duckling wants is an empty plastic water bottle) and I hope that when I look back on this first year I can see both my flaws and my efforts to overcome them clearly. I really do have the loveliest friends though, for encouraging me and giving me the straight talking I needed, firmly and gently.

March 23, 2010. Today, Uncategorized, What do you know?.